Book Trailer - Measuring the Rein by Jae Moran

Snipit - Measuring the Rein by Jae Moran

Keep in mind that this snipit hasn't been through editing. Someone asked for it, so here you are... Feedback is always welcome.

Hiding under the bed,

Jae

Chapter 1

The most difficult problems in life are the ones that have no solutions or at least none you can live with. Gavin Hayes had been wrestling with the same one for the last thirteen years. He was gay and no matter how hard he hoped and prayed that was never going to change. Every time he thought about coming out, all he could see were the enormous risks and no potential rewards save one... his personal integrity. The lying to his family and friends weighed on him, but was he willing to sacrifice his whole life in order to come out? After all this time, he finally thought the answer was yes.

Gavin was a professional saddle bronc rider on a national rodeo tour and he thought he knew something about being fearless, but he was terrified. It wasn't so much he thought his parents would throw him out or anything dramatic. Gavin just didn't want to disappoint them. His dad would be crushed to know his family line would end with Gavin. His sister Piper would eventually give them grandchildren, but there would never be a fifth generation of Hayes progeny to grow up at Hazy Hill Farm. Those were things he could overcome, but rodeo and Toby were entirely different.

Being out as a nationally ranked rodeo cowboy was an absolute impossibility. If his secret was ever discovered, he would lose his sponsors and be shunned, or worse, by the people he considered his friends and colleagues on the circuit. When he was in college, one of the ropers got caught kissing a guy behind the stock barn. The kid tried to tough it out but he was beaten over and over until he quit rodeo entirely. Gay rodeo was out there but you couldn't make a living at it. Gavin had finished in the top twenty saddle bronc riders since his first year as a professional. He placed twelfth last year and was sixth in the money so far this year. Gay rodeo would be a huge step back for him. He knew there had to be other guys on the tour who were gay, there were always rumors, but he stayed as far away from those people as humanly possible.

And then there was Toby. Gavin sat at the picnic table behind the RV lot outside the arena making a small repair to his saddle. He couldn't stop the sigh that bubbled up in his chest. Toby Prescott had been his best friend since they were twelve. They'd helped each other through everything that happened in their lives so far from Toby's dad's death when they were fifteen to convincing their parents to let them seriously pursue rodeo during their freshman year of college and all the milestones in between.

Gavin watched the activity moving in and out of the rodeo arena trying to imagine what he could say to Toby that would ensure he wouldn't lose his best friend. After a few moments, he could imagine Toby sitting in the dinette of the RV they shared with a beer in front of him. His sandy brown hair, in the same short ivy league haircut he'd kept since he bought his first cowboy hat, a little squashed from the day and his pine green eyes curious and concerned about whatever Gavin's needed to say. The next image he conjured was of Toby scowling angrily with his jaw clenched right before he started yelling, calling Gavin a faggot and a liar followed by Toby storming out and never speaking to Gavin again. He knew that was unlikely, especially if he left his revelation at his being gay, but Gavin wasn't sure he could reveal the first part without the second. Gavin was not only gay, but also stupidly and irrevocably in love with his best friend.

“This is fucking insane. I can't do this,” Gavin muttered to no one. He couldn't risk blowing up his whole life only to lose the one person he couldn't live without. When he fell in love with Toby was a mystery, sometimes it felt like he was born loving his best friend. Checking his phone for the time, he knew he had to get back to the arena. Toby was probably already looking for Gavin. Bull riders, like saddle bronc riders, were nothing if not slaves to their routine.

He stretched his arms into the air, feeling the sun on his shoulders and chest. He'd taken his shirt off after his ride earlier to absorb a little vitamin D on the hot August afternoon while he did his repairs. Picking up the saddle, Gavin walked across the field towards the trailer. About half way across, he stopped when the ache in his heart overwhelmed him. Since the start of the rodeo season, his loneliness and the weight of his secret had begun to manifest themselves as physical pain on top of the bruises and injuries which were constants in the life of a saddle bronc rider. He dropped his chin to his chest and took a few breaths as he stood there holding his saddle in one hand. All he wanted was to live an honest and open life with Toby by his side. Why was that too much to ask?

He didn't even know if Toby could reciprocate his feelings. Gavin thought he'd seen Toby check out some of the guys on the circuit in addition to the omnipresent women following him around. Rodeo was certainly full of eye candy of both genders. And then every once in a while, Toby would look at him and smile in a way that was more intimate and loving than is usually shared between friends. Gavin knew Toby had slept his way through his share of girls, but that had tapered off to almost nothing since last season. It was wishful thinking, but Gavin thought Toby might be at least hetero-flexible, probably a one, maybe a two, on the Kinsey scale. Even more than the sex, Gavin wanted Toby to love him someday. In any case, it all gave him too much hope to ever move on with his life.

“Dammit. I don't have time for this.” Gavin trotted to the RV and took a navy shower before rushing over to the arena. He hoped Toby did well today. His friend hadn't had the best week and finished out of the money so far. Odds were in Toby's favor today though. He'd drawn the money bull of the day. Pomodoro was a dangerous asshole of a bull, but if you one of the rare few who managed to stick, the scores had been awfully good.

When Gavin rounded the corner into the contestant's area, Toby was sitting on a bench doing his visualization exercises before he looked up and smiled with the crooked grin Gavin knew belonged only to him. Returning the smile, Gavin's heart clenched with a familiar ache. “Hey dude. You ready?”

“I am now. Where the hell have you been?”

“Fixing my saddle. I noticed a worn billet after my ride and thought I had time to fix it before you needed me.”

“I always need you, Gav.” There was that look again. Gavin couldn't figure it out. “You're my best friend.”

“I know... Tell me about Pomodoro's last few rides.” It was Gavin's way of getting Toby focused for his ride. They chatted about the bull's recent history as Toby went through his stretching and warm-up routine. Toby was a sports science major in college and had developed a pretty intense training and warm-up program tailored to their needs. To be honest, Gavin knew Toby's nutrition and training plans were responsible for a lot of their success.

Toby sat on the ground with his legs spread nearly into a split while he stretched his hips and thighs. “Gav, you going out tonight? The guys said something about going to Miss Kitty's Place.”

“Naw. We're done early today. I'm gonna make some real food, play some xbox and go to bed. I'm not up to their brand of debauchery tonight.”

“I hear you. I wasn't feeling it either.”

“We should start planning for next year over dinner.” Gavin made a snap decision that would change everything. “And I got some other stuff I need to talk to you about anyway.”

“Anything wrong?” Toby looked worried.

“Not really. I got some stuff on my mind and Dad's been squawking about wanting me on the farm more. We'll talk later. You need to focus on warming up.”

Valentín Figueroa, a roper from Brazil and one of their closest friends on the circuit, laughed as he walked up to Gavin and grinned mockingly at Toby. “Go on, yoga boy. Show us your moves.”

“Fuck off, Val. You only dream of being able to do this.” Toby smiled wickedly as he bent forward and lifted his leg into a standing split with little effort. Gavin almost let out a groan as Toby's package was perfectly on display in his Wranglers. For someone only five foot nine and about a hundred and sixty pounds, Toby's well-muscled body made him appear larger and more imposing than he actually was. Gavin had to look away as Toby repeated the stretch with the other leg.

“Hey Val. Nice ride today.” Gavin liked Valentín. He was probably their closest friend on the tour and one of the guys who stayed with Toby at the hospital after Gavin wrecked last year.

“Thanks, You too. String Theory didn't give you much to work with, but at least you finished in the money. You guys going to Miss Kitty's tonight?”

“Nope. We're headed home early tomorrow. It's a long drive hungover. Where you heading?”

“Sacramento overnight then Ellensburg. I have a meet and greet with a potential new sponsor. My agent thinks it's a good opportunity. We'll see.” At their level, chasing sponsors was a necessary evil. Gavin was always amazed at how much time he and his agent spent wooing corporate sponsorship.

“Good luck. I just signed with Rimrock Denim. My mom says a huge box of clothes turned up at the house the other day. I'm gonna miss my Wranglers but a national sponsor is a national sponsor.”

“You know it, man.”

Gavin noticed Toby had stopped stretching and was glowering for all he was worth. Rolling his eyes, Gavin chuckled to himself. “Come on, Tobes, focus. Calves and ankles. Let's go.” If it were anyone else, he'd think Toby was jealous, but Gavin knew he just didn't like his routine interrupted.

Val looked to Toby. “I wanted to ask yoga boy about this damn nagging groin pull. The doc and physical therapist keep saying it takes time, but no matter how I stretch or what I do it doesn't get better. You helped Matty so much with his ab strain, I thought you might have an idea.”

“I bet it's your psoas, not your groin. The pain is deeper than the groin pulls you've had before, yeah?”

“Exactly. I didn't know how to describe it, but that's it.” The amazed look all the cowboys got when they realized Toby could help them passed over Val's handsome Brazilian face.

“I'm not a doc or a PT, so I can only give you my inexpert opinion. If it doesn't work, don't get pissed at me. Gav, I need to keep going. Show him the psoas stretch.” Gavin rolled his eyes and kneeled on the dirt, moved his left leg so his foot was on the ground and his leg formed a ninety degree angle at the knee. Toby continued. “From there, tighten your abs like you're gonna take a punch, tuck your ass tight, hands on your hips. Keep your back and pelvis as straight as you can. Lean forward until you feel the stretch, hold for twenty seconds and repeat three times. Switch to the other side, rinse and repeat. You have to be gentle with it until the muscle is stretched out and happy again. Once you can do that with your hands over your head and pain free, come back and I'll show you some exercises to strengthen the muscle. You'll be blown away by how much less lower back pain you'll have after you ride and I bet you'll see an increase in your average score within a couple months. If you run into trouble, ask me or Gav to demonstrate again.”

“I can do that. Thanks, Toby. I know I give you shit for being yoga boy, but I've seen you help most of our friends get better at what we do and heal faster than we would otherwise. You're a good guy to have as a friend.”

“No big. I like using the stuff I've learned, especially when it can help. Just so you know, I watched you ride in Casper, you could use some core work too and not the kind that makes the six-pack abs everyone seems to be chasing. Come see me when the pain's gone and I'll show you that too.”

Gavin checked the time. “Come on, Tobe, you gotta finish stretching and get to your warm up.”

“Yes, mother.” Toby snarked at him.

Turning back to Val, Gavin knew he needed to focus as much as Toby did. His best friend was a bit off kilter from his uncharacteristically mediocre rides that weekend. “If we don't see you later, we'll definitely see you at Ellensburg. I gotta focus on the princess. He needs a good ride.”

“Thanks again, Toby. I let you get back to your routine. Good Luck.”

****

“You're up, Prescott.” The chute boss hollered.

Toby climbed up to sit on the rail stepping firmly on the back of the bull as he moved to straddle the chute. Pomodoro threw his head around in protest, but settled pretty quickly. Gavin stood at Toby's shoulder waiting for him to hand off the bull rope. They'd done this so many times it was fluid and well choreographed. It didn't take long for Toby to get set. The last thing Gavin did was to lean in to the side of Toby's helmet and say the same thing he'd said for almost every one of Toby's rides. “Time to dance with devil. Good luck, cowboy.” It was a little silly and pretentious, but somehow it became a tradition back when they were both seventeen and new to the sport. Gavin banged on Toby's helmet as he stood up straight. Toby did his cross-checks one more time before he nodded his head to signal the gate keeper.

The first two seconds were always the worst for Gavin. Once he could get distracted by analyzing Toby's ride, it was easier. Most people would expect Gavin to be afraid of Toby getting hurt, but that wasn't it. At All. He stressed over two things. One, the bull wouldn't give Toby enough fight for a high score and two, Toby would get bucked off before his eight seconds were up. Gavin had been doing this long enough to understand Toby was going to get hurt, it was a question of when and how bad. Injuries happened no matter how good you were or how lucky. Toby made a promise to his Grandma Betty when she gifted him the money to attend their first rodeo camp the summer after they graduated high school. She managed to extract a commitment from both of them to wear a helmet for every ride as long as they competed. Gavin knew Grandma Betty would call tonight after watching the television broadcast of the rodeo and without a doubt she would mention the helmets.

Out of the chute, Pomodoro exploded into a huge leap, kicking and rolling his shoulders hard to the left. Gavin held his breath as Toby countered the move without losing his seat. Sometimes, when Gavin could pull his attention back far enough from studying the details of the ride, Toby's athleticism and grace stole his breath. On the next buck, the big red bull started spinning into Toby's hand while still in the air. Toby got shifted out of position a little, but he pulled up on his bull rope and got himself back into his set position on the next jump which was good because the damn bull started spinning in the opposite direction again while he was still in the air. All Gavin could think was 'come on, come on come on, come on....' and he only took a full breath again when he heard the buzzer sound. The bull was a little wily and Toby was forced to dismount away from his hand before he could scramble to the fence.

Gavin cheered and pumped his fist in the air. It was by far the best bull ride of the entire event. He couldn't help but watch Toby across the arena while they waited for the score to be announced. After a few seconds, Toby pulled off his helment and looked back to Gavin. His smile was as broad and open as it had ever been. Gavin's heart swelled in his chest, full of love for this man. The announcer reported a score of eight-six and a half. Toby leapt to the top of the fence and raised his hands in triumph. The crowd was still going nuts and Gavin was right there with them. As Toby walked out of the arena, Gavin jumped off his perch on the bucking chute and hugged him as tight as he could. There were a couple riders left but Gavin knew it was enough for Toby to win the day.

They talked about the ride all the way back to the contestants area. Friends and fans stopped to congratulate him along the way. Toby was always willing to stop and thank the fans for their support. Those diehard fans were the ones who kept him in sponsorship money and they deserved his gratitude. In the locker room, Toby hugged Gavin and put a hand on the back of his neck. Something weird crossed Toby's face, Gavin was once again confused because on any gay man that look would proceed a kiss, but Toby shuttered his eyes and pulled away before Gavin could wrap his brain around what was happening. Damn. The conversation later was going to be interesting. The butterflies in Gavin's belly morphed into California condors which made him more than a little nauseated.

****

“Dammit, Gav, put the dishes in the sink. I'll help you do them after we talk. Tell me what's going on?” Toby sprawled on the sofa in the RV with a beer in his hand. Gavin stood leaning on the kitchen counter. He could tell Toby was anxious by the tiniest twitch in his left eye.

“I talked to my folks on Wednesday. Mom spent the night before in the hospital after having some minor chest pain. Dad forced her to go to the ER to get it checked out.”

“Fuck. Was it a heart attack?”

“No, thank God, but she was diagnosed with the early stages of coronary artery disease. They caught it while she's still healthy, but she has to take some new meds and make some lifestyle changes.”

“Let me guess... she needs to improve her diet and reduce stress. I can't imagine they think she needs more exercise. She already works harder than most of the ranchers we know. She runs your folks livestock operation practically by herself.”

“Yeah. That's the problem. Dad called me back after Mom went to bed and told me, the doctor was clear. We need to find a way to reduce Mom's workload and make her relax more. His solution is for me to spend more time at home working the farm and taking over the responsibility for the cattle and helping with the orchards, which would leave Mom with managing the sheep and the farm store.”

“What about Luis or Brendan? I thought they were being given more responsibility.”

“Luis is the assistant orchard manager under my dad and Brendan is the farm foreman. They know fruit trees and managing picking crews, not livestock. Dad's going to hire some help to get them through the end of the year, but he's hoping I'll be willing to cut my rodeo time next year.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“I don't know yet. I told him I had to talk to you first.”

“Why?”

“'Cause. We've needed to talk about next year for a while now and you're not going to like what I have to say.”

“Tell me.”

“It's time for you to move up to the PBR. No one understands why you haven't already made the jump. People ask me all the time and I just shrug but we both know you've held yourself back to stay with me. You're my best friend and I love you for it, but it's time for me to let you go. I'm only holding you back. If I was sure I'd be on the circuit full time next year, I might have waited another year, but shit Toby, I've never been as talented as you are. I can be happy as the Columbia River saddle bronc champion from now 'til my body gives out. You won't be satisfied until you win the PBR world championship. We've always known that.” Gavin tried hard to hide the pain he felt at acknowledging the truth of what he said. It was time to let Toby go.

“Maybe, but you don't make my decisions for me, Gav. I haven't moved up because I don't want to make the switch until I am ready for to storm the Built Ford Tough Series. The Touring series isn't much different than what I'm doing now except there's more money to win. I decided that doing this with you was worth giving up the extra income and I don't regret it. We're both gonna go into the National Championships in the top ten this year and we get to do it together. If we stick this out another year, we'll both be serious contenders to win it all. Why wouldn't I want to be able to do that together? We've come this far.”

“You don't have to give up PRCA completely, ya know. Lot's of guys do both, even at the BFTS level. They aren't mutually exclusive.”

“So you're really gonna do this?”

“It's not what I want, but what choice do I have? I'm not willing to put my mom's health at risk so I can chase some rodeo glory. While we're home this week, I'm going to sit down with them and figure out how it will all work. Mom wants us at dinner tomorrow and I'd like you to be there. My dad is worried you'll be upset. I don't care if you are, for an hour you can pretend not to be and that it all works out great since you planned to move to the PBR anyway.”

“The only thing I'm upset about is Angie's heart. Jesus. You think I'd care about anything else? Shit. She's been more of a mom to me than my own since my own dad's heart attack. I'd give up bull riding right now if it would keep her healthy.”

“I know. I do. But Dad doesn't want this to get in the way of you living your dream. He knows my future is on Hazy Hill, I was never going to have a twenty year pro rodeo career. Riding saddle broncs will always be part of my life but it isn't meant to be my whole life. You were born to be a professional bull rider, that's who you are.”

“But it's not all I am, Gav. I'm a man with a heart and soul who feels like he's losing his best friend. I love our life. I love traveling with you, training with you, and doing this together. I don't want it to end. I don't know if I can do this without you.”

“Well, it's time for you to find out, Tobes. Nothing is ending, it's just changing. I'm still your best friend. You will always have a home at the farm. I promise. Anyway, I'll still be on the circuit a lot, just not full-time. We'll make it work. I wasn't exactly ready to give all this up either, ya know.”

“Nothing changes until after the end of the season, right?” Toby's words sounded so bittersweet in Gavin's ears he almost couldn't listen anymore. “We'll finish this together in Las Vegas, same as when we were seventeen at that tiny rodeo in Upton.”

“Yup. Mom, Dad, Piper and Chad are all coming to Vegas for the finals again. They've booked flights and rooms already.” His parents came to a few rodeo's close to home each season, but Gavin's sister Piper and her husband Chad used seeing him ride as an excuse for a weekend getaway. They usually turned up at four or five rodeo's a year all over the country.

“Angie told me when we were home last month. She stopped by the high school to give Mom the VIP tickets and hotel information for Ellensburg. My mom wouldn't commit to going to Vegas at all never mind if she and Oscar wanted to travel with your family. You know, I've told my mom a dozen times I wanted her to be there to see me ride in the finals. I even said I'd pay for the trip. I know money is an issue for them, but she still wouldn't agree. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.”

“You're not doing anything wrong. Your mom doesn't make it easy. She never has, even before your dad died. All you can do is keep trying.”

“I guess. Sometimes I think I keep you around just for your family.”

“They're your family too. You think my mom would call us 'her boys' if you weren't?”

“True enough. Why didn't you tell me about Angie when it happened? We could have gone home for a couple days, even if it meant we'd have to fly instead of taking the truck.”

“Mom forbid it. She didn't want us to rush home like she was on her deathbed or something. And I didn't say anything because after I talked with Dad, I needed some time to think some things through.”

“What's to think about? Your mom's sick. Your family needs you. You go home.”

“It's not that easy. I needed to decide if I was ready to give up saddle bronc altogether or if I could stay on the pro tour at least part time. If it would still be worth it, when I wasn't going to qualify for the championship... I also have some personal stuff I need to work through, if I'm going to be home more.”

“What personal stuff? I'm with you almost twenty-four seven... What else are you hiding from me?” Toby couldn't hide the twitch in his thigh as he stopped himself from bouncing his leg.

This was the moment. Gavin could either come clean about being gay or stay in the closet for the foreseeable future if not forever. He didn't want to be alone anymore. Even if he couldn't be with Toby, Gavin wanted to find a love like his parents had. Ending all of the pain and shame he'd fought with for so long, was the only way forward. If it meant he lost Toby, his home and his family, Gavin could still make a life as a saddle bronc rider until he could afford to buy his own ranch somewhere. The irony of hearing Toby in his head telling him to 'cowboy up, asshole' wasn't lost on him.

Gavin dropped his head to his chest and took a few deep breaths as he tried to stop his hands from shaking. After a long silent pause, he raise his head and looked Toby square in the eyes. “I'm gay, Toby.”

As much as he'd wrestled with how this conversation would go, there was one response Gavin hadn't considered. Toby closed his eyes and sighed, “I know.”

“You know. How long have you known?” Gavin was genuinely perplexed.

“About a year and a half.”

“How?”

“You told me.”

“I did not.”

“You did, but you were pretty high on pain meds at the time.”

“My wreck in Austin...” At Rodeo Austin last year, Major Tom threw him into a fence before kicking him as he ran off. His injuries included a severe concussion, a few broken ribs and a lacerated liver. After surgery and a few days in the hospital, Gavin returned to the circuit ten weeks later. “I don't remember much from the ICU. What did I say?”

“You didn't think I was real. It was maybe five in the morning, I'd been sitting with you all night. Your folks weren't flying in til later in the day. Val, Matt, and Pietro were around but they'd wandered off for some food. You almost died, Gavin. You woke up, saw me sitting by your bed and holding your hand. I saw you close your eyes and thought you'd drifted off again, but you started mumbling that I wasn't really there, I would never cry over you and I wouldn't even be there if I knew you were gay. I was stunned. I mean I'd wondered a few times, but....”

Okay. Gavin could cope with this. “You wondered?” Okay, that qualifies as a complete sentence, right?

“Well, yeah. No matter what you say, I haven't seen you with anyone since college and you don't seem interested in most of the women who are always sniffing around, so I wondered... Wait. Do you have a secret boyfriend? Is that why you're telling me now?”

“No, no boyfriend since college. I'm just sick of being lonely and dishonest.”

“At school? Really? We shared a room for four years. How did I not know?”

“I was careful and you weren't looking. Remember Wes Lunsford... We dated for almost half of sophomore year.”

“Wes hated me.”

“That's part of why we broke up. Do you hate at me?” Gavin recoiled at sounding like an insecure little boy.

“No, Gav, no... I could never hate you. How long have you been worried about that?”

“You mean, when did I figure out I was gay? September twenty-sixth, two thousand and three in the boys locker room at the high school after soccer practice. One of the guys walked out of the shower room naked with a towel around his waist... one glance and any doubt I had about being gay disappeared.” Gavin didn't mention the guy was Toby.

“Wait... Two thousand three... We were fourteen. What about Jenna?”

Gavin figured Toby would get around to asking about Jenna. “High school was hard for me. I desperately wanted to be normal. Junior year I decided I would force myself straight. Jenna was a good Christian girl, she took her abstinence pledge seriously. We didn't have sex until we were freshmen at Wazzu. It was the beginning of the end for us. She started talking about getting married and having kids like it was a foregone conclusion. I couldn't lead her on anymore. She deserved better than a husband who fantasized about Chris Hemsworth to get it up.”

Toby finished his beer and stood up to grab another out of the fridge. When he turned around he raised his left eyebrow. “Chris Hemsworth? Awright.” Toby chuckled wickedly as he settled back on the sofa and some of the tension evaporated from between them. “It doesn't matter to me that you're gay, Gav. But I am kinda pissed you didn't tell me. After Austin, I could see the barely hidden pain on your face every time you left a party to go home alone. You should have told me. I would never out you. Did you think I would?”

“I couldn't be sure, Toby. I couldn't bear losing my best friend. Remember what happened to Josh Kitchens? He's the guy who got caught kissing one of the male concession workers behind the stock barn at Vernon Creek. People we know and consider friends bullied him and beat him over and over until he dropped out of rodeo. He was nineteen. I heard from Brady Benning that when his parents found out, they kicked him out of the house and Josh committed suicide a few months later. I promised myself I was never going to be that guy.”

“You haven't. But you aren't happy either. You didn't have to carry this alone.”

Gavin whispered, “I couldn't risk losing you. I couldn't do it.”

Toby burst off the sofa and moved into Gavin's space. “You'll never lose me. Friends to the end. Isn't that what we promised each other in middle school?” He reach out and hugged Gavin tightly. “It's okay, dude. It's gonna be okay.”

It only took a few seconds for Gavin to relax into the hug. His love for Toby filled him as he accepted the comforting gesture. In a moment of terror, Gavin stepped back, putting a couple inches of distance between them. “What else did I say that night in the hospital?” Gavin sensed more than felt Toby's entire body freeze in response to his question. “I know there's more.”

Toby stepped back further and froze. “Don't make me say it. Gav. I've told you enough.”

“Finish it.” Gavin's glare was angry enough to take the fight out of Toby.

“Please, Gav... Let it go. You were out of your mind.” Toby crossed his arms, standing less than an arms length from Gavin. Something must have shifted in Toby's head because he seemed to deflate as his breath left him. “Fine. You told me none of it mattered anyway because you would always love me, even if I could never love you back.”

“Shit, shit, shit...,” Gavin stammered. He felt like he was suspended in a moment of free fall between being thrown by a bronc and his body slamming into some immovable object, usually the arena floor.

“Did you mean it? Do you love me?” Toby's expression was completely unreadable.

In a breathy, barely audible voice, Gavin whispered. “Yes.” It was only then that he felt a tear slip down his cheek. Gavin didn't dare look at Toby again. He was too afraid of what he might see. The next thing Gavin knew Toby held his face gently in his hands, brushing the tear away with his thumb. Startled into paralysis, Gavin felt Toby guide his face closer and brush his lips with a tentative kiss. Toby pulled back a fraction of an inch before kissing Gavin again. When he pulled back again, Toby looked deeply into Gavin's eyes before unmooring himself into a full-scale assault of a kiss.

As the kiss deepened, hope filled Gavin while he prayed the kiss was more than just an experiment. It took him a nanosecond to return the kiss with an equal amount of passion, broadcasting his love for Toby in each movement. Gavin knew this might be his only opportunity to show Toby how he felt. Words couldn't express what he was feeling and all he had was this one kiss.

Eventually, reality began to intrude once again and Gavin pulled back from the kiss. He rested his forehead on Toby's while they each caught their breath. Gavin separated them so he could see Toby's eyes. He searched Toby's handsome face looking for some handhold to grasp what the kiss meant. Was it pity? Was it goodbye? Was it an experiment? Was it real? Toby's expression again gave nothing away. Gavin didn't know where the boldness came from, but he needed to know what the hell was going on. “Tell me. Was I wrong? Could you someday love me back?”

“I don't know.” It was Toby's turn to whisper.

“That's not a no. Do you want to find out?”

“I don't know.”

“What do you mean you don't know? Son of a bitch! You've had a year and a half to answer the question and you have nothing to give me. Shit, Toby. Man up and tell me what you want. I've spent years shredding my own heart in love with someone I thought would never want me back. Now you kiss me and you don't know what it means. Jesus Fuck, Toby. Can't you see how cruel that is? Ya know what... Don't answer. I can't have this conversation right now. I'm going out and you need to pull your head out of your ass. I need some space. Please, don't follow me.”

“Gav... please let me explain....” Toby's anguish was finally plain, but right then Gavin couldn't care.

“Not now. Don't wait up.” Gavin grabbed his keys and his hat as he walked out of the RV into the over-warm dusk.

****

M/M Romance Member Choice Awards

BDSM and the Real World

Hey kids, have a seat ‘cause this is going to take a minute.

I have a dilemma. I’m a writer, mostly in a technical and extremely nerdy field, but at the urging of my SO and a few friends I have embarked on an adventure into the world of gay (M/M) romantic fiction. I have a few things out for review with several publishers and I’m sure you will hear more about that eventually, but right now I need some advice.

I’ve started a new book and as you might guess from the title of this post, it’s a BDSM romance. I’m happy with my characters so far, I think I’ve got an interesting plot based on the question “What happens when it’s the Dom who’s broken?” If you’ve ever read any of the BDSM fiction already out there, you know the vast majority of it goes like this… Sad, broken sub is miraculously made whole again by the love of a benevolent and omnipotent Dom. My aim is to turn that trope on it’s head. But, that’s not the problem.

I’m having trouble writing the BDSM scenes. I’ve done hundreds if not thousands of hours of research, I’ve read dozens of books, both fiction and nonfiction. I’ve emailed people in the lifestyle with questions and I’ve watched some video, porn and otherwise. I’ve even observed a play party which didn’t help either as it felt like it was about the Doms peacocking for their friends rather than about the dynamics with their subs. I freely admit I may have made a poor choice of venue. I live in Maine, north of nowhere (my nearest neighbor is more than a mile away) one of the men I’d been emailing with questions invited me down to Boston to watch a private play party…I was grateful for the experience, but unimpressed.

I want my book to feel like it has some basis in the Real World. I don’t want to hear from people in the lifestyle that I am an idiot who wouldn’t know a whip from a paddle. And this is where I have a dilemma… I am a visual learner, I tend to need to watch something happen to understand it. No, before you ask, I have no real interest in experiencing either side of the spanking bench.Thank you.

Anyway, I haven’t found any video that seems to have any connection to the dynamics of BDSM described by people I know are respected teachers and practitioners… outside of the BDSM romances anyway. Does something more realistic or three dimensional exist? I know porn isn’t reality, it’s fantasy but I’d take a well crafted fantasy that is better that what I’ve found so far.

The BDSM video seems to be either instructional (how to wield a flogger and not flay your partner) or porn. The porn seems to come in two flavors… There’s S/m stuff where you get to watch some guy, largely off screen, torture some other guys nips and dangly bits then force him to orgasm. And then there’s the more D/s stuff that’s almost universally based on pretty extreme humiliation which according to my research isn’t really what BDSM is supposed to be about either. Yes, I understand that humiliation is some people’s kink, but it can’t be the sum total of all the Dom/sub interaction in the world. Right?

I am not independently wealthy, I can’t spend a small fortune on DVDs or websites that aren’t going to give me what I need, but I have a budget for stuff that might help.

So what do I need from y’all, you ask…

I need:

1) Hints on where I can find porn or video of actual scenes that is at least grounded in the reality of the BDSM lifestyle. Preferably M/M but I’m flexible … ;)

2) Titles of blogs or books that have first hand accounts of BDSM scenes that again are grounded in the real world. 98% of what I’ve found online reads like the author stole his entries from a bad Literotica story. Just so’s you know, If it’s on the GoodReads Gay BDSM list, I’ve probably read it.

3) If you’re a Dom or sub who’d be interested in alpha reading some BDSM scenes for me and giving me some feedback, let me know. Understand this will generally be rough drafts and sometimes just sketches if ideas for scenes. Beta readers who get to read a more polished manuscript will come much later in the process.

I am a hapless author sitting in my garret, generally happily tapping away on my laptop, but I am profoundly grateful for any and all help that comes my way. My minions are always generously rewarded for their efforts.

Thanks in advance, loves.

Jae

Now back to the pretty men… Look this one has a book, isn’t that cute?

Two-cent Review: The Return by Brad Boney

Grade: A+

I flat out loved this book. It's a sad reminder of the past and how far we've come since the early eighties. We sometimes forget how much has changed for the GLBT community in thirty years. The Return shows that beautifully. About 2/3rds of the way thru the book, I cried, sobbed really, for an entire chapter. The writing is stellar and the characters are complete and consistent throughout. The Return had a full sense of place, Austin felt different than NYC or Fire Island.  I could say a lot about why I loved it and where I think the flaws are. I'm a Virgo  I can pick apart anything, but that's not to say that The Return is anything less than sublime.

My quibbles are minor. First, the connections between the present and the past are a little heavy handed at times and there are too many for the reader to have any doubts about what's going on. It would have worked better, for me, if the answer could have been more elusive. The scene at the very end felt a little too concrete. The concept of reincarnation is too unknowable to be framed as fact. It would have been fun to argue with my friends about what I believe and what I think was happening in the book, but The Return doesn't allow much room for that which is kind of weird considering the ongoing debates about music that hold the frame of the book together.

And the music... In some ways, the integration of the music into the book is what made the book for me. I read a lot. A lot. It's not unusual for me to love a book, but even when I find a book I adore and will re-read over and over again, it doesn't usually change the way I think about things or affect the quality of my life outside the four walls of my kindle. The Return did that in a way I will always be grateful for. My relationship with music has been forever changed... or maybe renewed is a better word.

For most of my life listening to music was a passion. As much as I wanted to be a musician, it just wasn't in the cards for me so I was left with listening. I listened with my whole heart. I cared about what the singer/songwriter/musician was trying to tell me. For many years, when I couldn't sleep, I would take the quilt off the bed, curl up on a chair in the corner of the living room, plug the “good headphones” into the stereo and manually turn the dial to surf the radio looking for music that interested me. For hours, I would tune out the rest of my life and just listen. It was my way of connecting myself to something greater, the collective consciousness or God, if that makes you more comfortable. In that private cocoon I could listen to whatever moved me. I wasn't bound by expectations or the ridicule of my friends or my own preconceived notions of what I should be listening to as a teen and young adult. I discovered music and genres that were outside my little bubble in suburban Boston. From Folk and Reggae to Classic Rock and Opera, I found music that stirred my soul in a way that was otherwise inaccessible to me. Those were the times when music became transformative for me.

It took a while, but one day I grew up. I was an adult with a mortgage and a stressful job. Over that period, music dropped off my radar. It became background noise to the rest of my life. I still listened to it all the time. There is rarely an hour that goes by that I don't have my iPod in the dock or Pandora playing as I write or read or work or clean or whatever. I sang along and listened superficially but I stopped taking the time to listen as a primary activity. I lost the visceral connection to music that had so sustained me back in the day. The Return reminded me how important that connection was and how much I had missed it when it just wasn't a priority.

Brad Boney gave me the great gift of returning music to my soul. I won't forget that lesson again and if I do, I am sure to read The Return again and again and it will remind me what I almost lost forever.

Listen to the YouTube Playlist, that goes along with The Return... Here.

If you love pop/rock music and haven't heard Bruce Springsteen's keynote at the 2012 SXSW, you can watch it... Here. It is well worth the hour of your time.

As always, I close with some eye candy...

Steve Grand

Like Ducks in a Row: Thinking about M/M Series

I love series books. An author creates a world with a sense of place and a set of rules that are broad enough to be the foundation of multiple stories... Cattle Valley, Hammer, Love Means, EMS Heat, Lady Blue Crew, Wolves of Stone Ridge, Marius Brothers, Midnight Matings, Brac Pack... Okay maybe I have a thing for fluffy shifter books... That is not in any way an insult, I have the utmost respect for the authors who write these series.

My completely unoriginal analogy goes like this... Books are like food. Most books are everyday meat and potatoes meals and a rare few are glorious six course gourmet feasts. Then there is a category I consider snacks. Snacks are enjoyable to read and give you a little pick-me-up to get through the rest of your day. They are small, usually novella-ish (30-40K words). They aren't terribly angsty. They aren't going to change your life. They almost all follow some variation on the traditional romance formula... boy meets boy, boy falls in love with boy, boy loses boy, boy fights to get the boy back. They are like fairy tales where good triumphs over evil, light over darkness and remind us that once in a while, even for the most broken souls, love can conquer all.

An unpleasant trend has cropped up in some of the long standing series that I have stayed with through ten plus books... to the point that I have dropped a few series that used to be an automatic buy. In many series, the backdrop is an overarching story that links all the books together and for me this is where so many writers, even ones I love, seem to lose the plot. (pun totally intended) Some writers seem to let the backdrop story get too complicated and convoluted to the point where they put too much energy into moving the backdrop along at the expense of the romance at the heart of the current book. As a reader, I don't care about the political intrigue in HEA-land except in how it affects the main characters of the book and once guys from a previous book get their HEA, I don't care much about how current events affect them unless it directly impacts the current book. After about five books in a series, I can't keep track of all the characters and relationships anyway especially when the books are separated by three months and maybe 100 other books in between.

I also think that series should be given the opportunity to end naturally. If you set up a series based on five brothers, the backdrop story should resolve when the last brother gets paired off. Moving a series on to a new and perhaps related backstory for another set of characters in the same world is more than acceptable. Lady Blue Crew moving into the Elite Force series did this beautifully.

What do y'all think?

As always, enjoy the eye-candy...

Jae

Two-Cent Review: Bad Attitude by K.A. Mitchell

Grade:  C+

There is a lot to recommend about this book. The premise was interesting, the characters were engaging. I loved the moments of connection...  It's those moments, sort of like in Avatar, of "I see YOU" not the facade that made the book interesting for me.

Let me just say, there was too much sex and not enough plot.  I like reading about sex as much as the next girl, but really I would have liked to know more about these characters. I was left with too many questions and had to make too many intuitive leaps to be really satisfied.  Why does his family think Gavin is a disappointment? Is it just because he hasn't done anything with his life that they find valuable? What was Jamie's relationship with Colton? Why was Jamie so traumatized by his death beyond the obvious considering the book takes place more than ten years later?

The ending was a bit abrupt and felt like a Happy-for-now rather than a Happily-ever-after. Considering they couldn't get on the same page until the last few pages of the book... How were they going to weather the shit storm heading their way immediately after the end of the book? What will Gavin's family have to say about the relationship and how will Jamie cope with all the scrutiny in the media and at work? To me, the book ended 2/3 of the way through the story. 

If you liked the rest of the series, you will like this one just as much. Bad Attitude was a good and enjoyable read, but I was left wanting a little more.

I was thinking about the differences between the Florida series and the Baltimore series.  The Baltimore ones are darker in tone, the characters less forgiving, the secondary characters have less emotional impact on the main characters. The MCs begin the stories largely alone with few positive connections with other people... The Florida series is completely the opposite. It's like the warmer climate makes the people warmer and more connected.  Even if you just look at the book cover, the Florida ones are brighter, more colorful, warmer... The Baltimore ones are darker, nearly monochrome, and even the skin tones are cooler. Just my two-cents.

As always, I close with the eye candy...

(Source: Machodesungao)